Completion of the soul

I lie wrapped in your arms

I can feel you breathing

I want to lie like this forever

Your warm naked skin presses to mine

It is unbelievable how happy you make me

Where will we end up?

Maybe in a year you’ll hate me

Maybe in 3 we will be married

I don’t want to think about it

I want to concentrate on this moment here and now

I want it all to soak in

So I can remember your smell

And the way you taste

It’s amazing what you do to me

You make me crazy

I love the way you make me smile

Even when I’m feeling low

I love the way your eyes light up when you’re coming on to me

I love the way your skin feels like silk when it slides against mine

But most of all I love the way you can fill me with a simple smile

The way you complete me just by being around

I never knew such a thing existed

There's nothing like the beginning of a romance... the anticipation... the passion... the intensity.  If you are in a relationship long enough those feelings often fade but hopefully what you're left with is a friend that fills your life and is there for you like no one else could be.  It's so rare these days to come across a couple that lasts... I fear that in my generation there will be very few couples that make it til old age... We give up too easily... no one is loyal... My generation as a whole is selfish... unwilling to compromise or bend even for the ones they love... I like to think that I am not this type of person and I like to think that I will get lucky and find someone who still values these very important things.

Choices

Choices

(Author: Unknown)

Come to me temptation implores

And I will open passions doors

Let loose the floodgates of desire

To burn your body with it’s fire

Come to me sweet love implores

And I will open heavens doors

Let loose the floodgates of your heart

To pierce your soul with cupids dart

Be careful my friend which one you choose

For one will heal…the other bruise

I often ask myself why we want the things that are no good for us.... Whether it be a slice of chocolate cake, an extra glass of wine, or a partner that leaves us hurting.  The truth is that desire is what leads us.  Your mind will justify desire no matter how much logic tells you not to go there.  We has humans want what we want when we want it and in today's society there is an even stronger urge to meet those desires.  People no longer have patience and sad to say but many also do not have values or logic with them either.  The solution.  THINK!  Dont act on impulse... cause those impulsive instincts seldom lead to anything good.  Instead ask your self what you want from your life as a whole and choose the path that takes you to it.

Upon Morn

The stillness of his hands moved her

In ways she’d never known

As if his life was washing through her

Merging with her own

She wanted to conceal it

But oh how she let him see

She couldn't stand, she couldn't sit

The blood rushed on endlessly

And when he backed away from her

She felt his passion more

She fought with demons he had stirred

Until she could not endure

She pleaded with him, stay awhile

But morn was drawing near

And she had to face her own denial

That he was never really here

We're all looking for that perfect partner... whether it be for companionship, or intimacy.  Even if we are enjoying being single (as I am).  We're still watching the people that come into our lives and wondering... is this person the one for me?  The fact of the matter is though... those kind of relationships don't usually just happen... the idea of a perfect man or a perfect woman is ridiculous.  Instead we have to work at it, compromise and accept people.   The most important part of that is honesty.  First being honest with yourself about what you really want.  Then being honest with the people in your life.  

Proud

PROUD

(Performed by: Heather Small)

I look into the window of my mind
Reflections of the fears I know I've left behind
I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way
Can't stop me now
And you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Still so many answers I don't know
Realize that to question is how we grow
So I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way
Can't stop me now
And you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

We need a change
Do it today
I can feel my spirit rising
We need a change
So do it today
'Cause I can see a clear horizon

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
'Cause you could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
What have you done today
You could be so many people?
Just make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

I love this song.   It was the theme song for my favorite TV show... Queer as Folk... Which I've talked about on here before.  It's empowering.  And though it is the perfect song for gay pride it also can apply to every person in every walk of life.  It asks the most important question anyone can ask themselves.... So, what have YOU done today to make you feel proud?

Listen to the song here:

New to me

Ø      Try everything once except folk dancing and incest (Thomas Beecham)

I am a firm believer in this quote.  I have been trying lots of new things on for size in the last few weeks and I feel I have a spirit I didn't have before.  I feel more adventurous... my life feels more exciting and I think I am genuinely happy with the change.  I find myself wondering what the future holds in a way I didn't and experimenting with the present in a way I couldn't.  I'm having the time of my life.  I wonder what's next!

Voice in the shadows

I hear you in the night

Whispering my name, I try to follow

Light crawls through the room, hiding

Running from you’re voice but not I

I follow, longing to reach what others don’t

Wanting to touch what other’s wont

Into the shadows you creep

Leaving my body cold and numb

Numb until the pain sets in

Until I feel the loss again

Nights are the hardest time of day... I don't know about you but when my head hits the pillow at night I immediately start thinking... thinking of the past, thinking of the future, thinking of the possibilities.  Sometimes these thoughts help me drift off into a peaceful rest but other times they keep me awake.  I wrote this poem many years ago but the premise is still the same... There always seems to be a voice in the night... with more power than I have.

I understand....

Ø      Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him (Anon)

Lately I really understand a woman's inclination to be gay.  Men suck... seriously....  and on that note I feel seriously sorry for gay men.... not only do they have to put up with themselves but also with their spouse or partner.  I don't want to come on here and men bash... that is not my intention but it seems like every man I've met lately is a pig.... Am I wrong?  Am I just meeting the scum that floats to the top when you are single?  Not that we women don't have our faults... But at least I understand them... I will NEVER understand men!

Gone Away

 Once in a lifetime we fall

Once in a lifetime

We are bound to lose it all

Once in a lifetime it goes away

We’re not the same

When we’ve lost the pain

Chorus

Never thought I’d know this much

Never thought I’d know this rush

Now I see with my eyes shut

See the passion in your touch

Never thought I’d feel this way

I don’t regret a single day

Now I feel you where I lay

So you’re never gone away

Once in a lifetime we see

The different people that we have come to be

Once in a lifetime we pay the cost

For all we’ve got

But love cannot be lost

Chorus

If I should cry

If I should scream

It won’t be goodbye

It will be for me

Chorus

If I should cry (3x)

It’s not goodbye

A good couple days off spent with my family... It was supposed to be my wedding... but plans change I suppose... Told my parents I was moving home at the end of the school year... It just feels right and I think the change will do me good... Saying goodbye to Flin Flon will be hard... but so was saying goodbye to Swan...  

Forever Yours

I can’t think

Or my thoughts have no meaning

Whichever it is

You’re the key

And maybe I’m crazy

But all my hopes lie in you

My dreams ever knit to your presence

My heart ever sewn to your smile

And with nothing to hold me back now

I fear what I will do

Destroy the life I’ve built

Break the last vestiges of myself

Fall apart in both new

And old ways

You own me

I am your puppet

To move as a blackened piece on a chess board

I don’t mean to be

But I am

Forever yours

Our heart can do funny things to us.... lead us in places we know we shouldn't go.  Sometimes following your heart means facing your greatest fears... and risking the destruction of everything you are.  But I am a true believe that if you don't follow your heart... you never really live.  

TIME

TIME

(Written by: M. E. Robare)

I can’t remember yesterday

As more than a fading dream

I hear the future cry away

In a quickly silenced dream

I can’t recall the night before

Caught in the tick of time

I wonder what my life is for

With no reason and no rhyme

I had to go, I could not stay

Because time keeps gliding on

I could not regain yesterday

But a new one starts with dawn

I would not make the same mistakes

I’d start out fresh tomorrow

Time never heard my poor heart break

As each joy turned to sorrow

I awaited the future with each sunrise

And wondered where it was

The march of time is the grandest of lies

For move it never does

The future is the time we’re in

And we’re living in the past

Now is where we've always been

And it will never last

The moment now can never stay

It becomes a time gone by

Each second sees another day

And I can’t remember why

I should have finished what I could

So much I've left undone

Now yesterday is gone for good

And tomorrow never comes

I find this poem profoundly sad and inspiring at the same time.  It makes me think of death and dying but it inspires me to make the most I have with the time I have... it inspires me not to sit on my haunches and wait for life to happen... to move forward, take chance, make a change... and that's what I'm doing.  I finally made my decision.  At the end of the school year I am moving back to Swan... I will hate leaving my job but I've come to the conclusion that I can and have lived with a bad job... right now I need my family and I need to face my past and see if my future belongs there.... Now is the TIME to find out.  

Telephones and aching cheeks

Ø      I believe that if I should die and you were to walk near my grave from the very depths of the earth, I would hear your footsteps (Benito Perez Galdos)

After spending 3 hours on the phone last night, today I find myself happy.  Truly happy from the tips of my toes to the top of my head happy.  If we're lucky there are people in all our lives that make us feel that way.  That can take a hard situation and turn it around until your cheeks hurt from smiling and your guts hurt from laughing.  I am lucky to have a few of those people in my life.  I haven't talked on the phone for 3 hours in probably 12 years... I hate the phone!  But when you have a friend that doesn't have a computer or facebook you need to apply that classic touch.  I felt like a teenage... curled up on my couch giggling and flirting until we were both yawning and ready for bed...  It felt so good to reconnect with someone in that personal way that technology doesn't allow for.  To hear him smile over a telephone wire is the next best thing to being there with him.  So though I am VERY anti-telephone... I'm thankful for it today.  

Round and Round

You’re on repeat in my mind

Whirling round my head at lightning speed

Your voice echoing in my ears

Until all I hear is you

Each heart beat says your name

Every breath whispers my love

Every thought I think, I’m numb

I’m unglued

Scary choices I must make

But there are chances I must take

If I ever want to know if we can last

So I hold my head up high

Do my best not to cry

And never get discouraged by the past

You’re my chance, my only hope

My only love, my only cure

You’re the one thing that can get me through the day

And if I ever want to love

To feel that rush, to rise above

Than I know being with you’s the only way

Scary choices I must make

But there are chances I must take

If I ever want to know if we can last

So I hold my head up high

Do my best not to cry

And never get discouraged by the past

I'm faced with a decision that I am finding it impossible to make... Do I stay here in Flin Flon with the job I love... Or do I move back home to be near my family?  My friends in Swan are wonderful and I miss them.  My friends here are wonderful and I would miss them... But the biggest part of my decision looms over me... Moving to Swan could mean that I return to the miserable state I was in when I left there... it could also be the realization of everything I ever wanted.  If I stay in Flin Flon... will I always wonder What if?  I feel like I'm at that moment that changes your life forever... Whatever path I take will determine the course of my future... I'm terrified of making the wrong choice... I keep praying for the right path to become clear...  But everyday I seem to be more confused.

When you come back to me again

When you come back to me again
(Performed by: Garth Brooks)

There’s a ship out on the ocean,
At the mercy of the sea.
It’s been tossed about,
Lost and broken,
Wandering aimlessly.
And God somehow you know,
That ship is me.

‘Cause there’s a lighthouse,
In a harbor,
Shining faithfully.
Pouring its light out,
Across the water.
For this sinking soul to see,
That someone out there still believes in me.

On a prayer,
In a song,
I hear your voice,
And it keeps me hanging on.
Oh, raining down, against the wind.
I’m reaching out,
‘Till we reach the circle’s end.
When you come back to me again.

There’s a moment,
There we all come to.
In our own time and in our own space.
Where all that we’ve done,
We can undo,
If our hearts’ in the right place.

On a prayer,
In a song,
I hear your voice,
And it keeps me hanging on.
Oh, raining down, against the wind.
I’m reaching out,
‘Till we reach the circle’s end.
And you come back to me again.

And again I see,
My yesterday’s in front of me,
Unfolding like a mystery.
You’re changing all that is and used to be.

On a prayer,
In a song,
I hear your voice,
And it keeps me hanging on.
Oh, raining down, against the wind.
I’m reaching out,
‘Till we reach the circle’s end.
When you come back to me again.

When you come back to me again.

I got a phone call this weekend... from the love of my life... and though it's been almost 8 years since we have spoken, there is nothing inside of me that didn't melt at the sound of his voice.  A part of me has missed him so much and another part of me is constantly telling myself not to go there again...  Not to let myself fall into that trap again.  See I've never been able to let him go... will talking to him again prevent me me from ever really truly moving on?  or after a decade can I safely assume that I never will and just take it for what its worth and keep him in my life where I really need him to be?  I guess only time will tell... for now all I know is I WILL talk to him again... and that fact makes me happy in a way I can't even describe.

Remembrance Day

Rememberance Day
(Author: unknown)

He was getting old and paunchy
And his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Legion,
Telling stories of the past.
 
Of a war that he once fought in
And the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies;
They were heroes, every one.
 
And tho' sometimes to his neighbors
His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly
For they knew whereof he spoke.
 
But we'll hear his tales no longer,
For old Bob has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer
For a Soldier died today.
 
He won't be mourned by many,
Just his children and his wife.
For he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life.
 
He held a job and raised a family,
Going quietly on his way;
And the world won't note his passing,
Tho' a Soldier died today.
 
When politicians leave this earth,
Their bodies lie in state.
While thousands note their passing,
And proclaim that they were great.
 
Papers tell of their life stories
From the time that they were young.
But the passing of a Soldier
Goes unnoticed, and unsung.
 
Is the greatest contribution
To the welfare of our land,
Someone who breaks his promise
And cons his fellow man?
 
Or the ordinary fellow
Who in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country
And offers up his life?
 
The politician’s stipend
And the style in which he lives,
Are often disproportionate,
To the service that he gives.
 
While the ordinary Soldier,
Who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal
And perhaps a pension - though small.
 
It is not the politicians
With their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom
That our country now enjoys.
 
Should you find yourself in danger,
With your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out,
With his ever waffling stand?
 
Or would you want a Soldier -
His home, his country, his kin,
Just a common Soldier,
Who would fight until the end?
 
He was just a common Soldier,
And his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us
We may need his like again.
 
For when countries are in conflict,
We find the Soldier's part,
Is to clean up all the troubles
That the politicians start.
 
If we cannot do him honour
While he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage
At the ending of his days.
 
Perhaps just a simple headline
In the paper that might say:
"OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING,
A SOLDIER DIED TODAY."

It's time to pay homage to those brave souls who have fought for our freedom and rights.  I've been reading this one particular post on facebook lately.   It says "I think a soldier who puts on a helmet and defends his country deserves to make more than a man who straps on a helmet and defends a football."  There is something wrong with a country who idealizes sports heroes and musicians more than the people who are put their lives on the line for us and our freedom.  I don't agree with war... I don't like war... and I don't think it is ever the answer but like this poem so eloquently says the soldiers part is to clean up the mess that the people in charge start.  They should be the ones being rewarded and regarded as heroes.

THERE

The walls I’ve built have shattered

The future in shambles, unknown, unseen

It was easy to forget with distraction

Now I’m alone, my mind wanders free

To all the days we spent together

River side, open air

Your finger tips upon my lips

How I long to be there

Your arms, a haven around my soul

Your smile, a fairytale come true

Once upon a time I had

What I can only get from you

I can’t compare you, can’t replace you

Can’t forget your gentle touch

I can’t forget you, can’t embrace you

Just can’t get enough

Your finger tips upon my lips

River side, open air

All the days we spent together

How I long to be there

Sometimes you hang on to something so hard that when you finally want to let it go you can't.  Love can be like this.  Love can hang out in the corner of your mind for years.... never going away... cause your mind to wander back in time, and your dreams to remind you of things you'd be better off forgetting.  One moment in your life can hang onto you so tight that it forever changes your future in ways you can even begin to imagine.  But obviously these memories make you who you are... don't let go of them... instead just find a way to live in harmony with them... though easier said than done.

Yesterday

Miles away 

And years apart

But still your face haunts me

As if it were only yesterday

And yesterday was wonderful

Your smile

The touch of your hand

Making me tingle

Making my heart flutter

And my knees weak

But yesterday is no more

And I fear there is no going back

A life time of change

A life time of lies

I've lived them

Praying they'd take me away from you

But I've never left you behind

Not really

There is no way to shed you

I've tried

No way to brush you off my soul

You're in my blood

You blind my vision

And you name swells on my tongue

From miles away

Though years have passed

You're still the only one

They say time heals all wounds... I'm not so sure that's true...  The past has a funny away of returning to you when you least need it to.  The past makes you who you are and can haunt you at every turn... My past does this... Every night while I sleep for over a decade, my past has returned... mocking me... I have no answers for how to get away from this... only questions... for if I could escape my past... I may finally be able to find true happiness.

ALL BY MYSELF

ALL BY MYSELF
(Performed by:  CELINE DION)

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself
Anymore

When I was young
I never needed anyone
Making love was just for fun
Those days are gone

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
Oh
Don't wanna live
By myself, by myself
Anymore
By myself
Anymore
Oh
All by myself
Don't wanna live
I never, never, never
Needed anyone

I was thought this was a beautiful song... But I relate to it much better now that I am single.  I hit a low last night... worrying about the future... being alone gives you too much time to think and worry... I'm feeling better today... I know there is someone out there for me... it will come...