A Bottle Of Tears

This tear is for the wasted years

The next is for my childish fears

The last is for me being blue

But not a tear is shed for you

These tears I cried to close the door

I don't want you anymore

These tears are all that I have left

Thank God, they're not tears of regret

This tear I saved to mark the day

I knew my life was going to change

This one when I threw away

That old Ming vase you broke in rage

These tears of mine are shed with pride

I'm not ashamed of how I cried

Cause for every tear that fell I knew

That not a tear was shed for you

A teardrop is so much more than a mark of sadness.  Crying is good for so many things, to express happiness and sorrow, to let out frustrations, and to say goodbye.  Anyone who has never cried because of a broken heart, or with mourning could never understand how therapeutic a good solid cry can be.  Some evenings I will pick out a movie that makes me bawl just so I can have a good cry.  You sleep better after a good cry, you feel better about everything.  There is nothing more healing than a tear.

Behind A Star

I never wanted this

I wanted a place for me somewhere

I loved that people knew my name

But not like this

Not this way

I can't pretend that I am fine

The whole world sees my hollow eyes

I can't go on with no dispute

Yet can't ignore what I refute

For so long now they've seen me as

A clever germ, a wicked man

Unholy as unholy are

A criminal behind a star

I should be glad that heaven knows

But what can I say to all of those

Those people who look and see me now

As tabloid print and painted brow

And first I thought it'd go away

That they'd forget the tales someday

But it's been so long, a battle lost

And now I see what it has cost

More than just my record sales

More than fans and happy trails

It's caused them all to look at me

And question my paternity

I watch my children play and grow

And know someday, somehow, they'll know

What do you say to crying eyes

That question how you've lived your life

And can you help them to believe

In the man you know yourself to be



Yes, I love Michael Jackson.... Yes, I think he was innocent.  I wrote this during his last trial.  I thought to myself how hard it must be being accused of something so horrible and having children of your own.... This is what came out :) Hope you enjoy it!  (Please no disparaging remarks on MJ)

May I Feel Said He

May I Feel Said He

(E.E. Cummings)

May I feel, said he

I'll squeal, said she

Just once, said he

It's fun, said she

May I touch, said he

How much, said she

A lot, said he

Why not, said she

Lets go, said he

Not too far, said she

What's too far, said he

Where you are, said she

May I stay, said he

Which way, said she

Like this, said he

If you kiss, said she

May I move, said he

Is it love, said she

If you're willing, said he

But you're killing, said she

But it's life, said he

But your wife, said she

Now, said he

Ow, said she

Tip top, said he

Don't stop, said she

Oh no, said he

Go slow, said she

Cccome?, said he

Ummm, said she

You're divine, said he

You are mine, said she

I love this poem!  In grade 8 we were asked to find a poem from a famous author and read it to the class.  I being a poetry writer myself already, didn't particularly care for most of the famous poets (still don't)  but I did find this one.  I laughed when I first read it and the whole class laughed when I read it again.  My teacher who was a very inspiring woman (and later became my sister in law) was unshocked by my choice and I received an A on my presentation.  Now looking back I realised that were another teacher to receive such a read there could have been consequence for picking such a (Shall we call it racy) poem.  To Mrs. Perrella, One of the best teachers I ever had!



Unsheltered

The innocence of life

Gets raped between these walls

Lost in all the dirt

And dust

And grime

The truth behind your eyes

Is becoming hard to find

Lost in all those days

And nights

And time

Chorus

It seems to slip away from her

Finds it own way to her

Makes her lose her mind

And she's reaching out her hand to you

Praying you won't come unglued

Hoping you will find

The innocence of life

Will die between these walls

Lost in all the games

And dreams

And lies

And you never thought you'd lose it all

Swore you could control it all

That passion in her eyes

And time

Chorus

It seems to slip away from her

Finds it's own way to her

Makes her lose her mind

And she's reaching out her hands to you

Praying you won't come unglued

Hoping you will find

The innocence of life

And I'm reaching out my hand to you

Praying you won't come unglued

Hoping you will find

And time

It seems to slip away from me

Finds it's own way to me

Makes me lose my mind

(The innocence of life)

And I'm reaching out my hand to you

Praying you won't come unglued

Hoping you will find

The innocence of life

As promised here is my runaway song.  It's my favourite one I've ever written.  Mostly because I can hear it as an OLP song.    Again if anyone has a band and wants to use this just let me know.... I would be happy to hear it finished and sang by someone with actual talent :)

On Bended Knee

On bended knee he sat and prayed

For light to break that night in May

He spoke to God, got no reply

On bended knee he sat and cried

On bended knee he saw his wife

All framed in glass that shone that night

He looked for answers from above

To rid his life of maddening love

On bended knee he took a knife

Blew kisses to his lovely wife

And there he was for world to see

A broken man on bended knee

There's nothing sadder than a person who's lived their whole life with someone, losing them.  But the truth is... we all die alone...  It doesn't matter how much love is in your life, how close you are to the person next to you, death is the one journey that doesn't allow company.  It's also one of scariest cause no one knows... are you just gone, are you reborn, do you go to a magical place...  If you have faith you may be comforted by it but even faith is never certain and when we say our final goodbye we never know what's in store.

THANX

Thought I'd tell you I'm still breathing

That I've gotten through the grieving

I'm sorry that it's taken such awhile

Now I've gotten on with living

Funny life is so forgiving

But it's easy; when I think of you I smile

I don't like to think that I'm naive

But I believe in destiny

And I think somehow fate found us where we were

So if it really is the end of this

I won't regret a single kiss

Cause if nothing else my love for you was pure

I have no bitter memories

But good times often comfort me

With the power still to make me warm inside

So thank you for the escapade

You made me laugh my cares away

And for that you'll be remembered all my life

It's a nice thought.... It's also baloney.  Break ups are messy.  I'm fortunate enough to say that I am not enemies with any of my exs but to have no hurt feelings, no bitter memories is something I deem impossible.  In a relationship there is always one person who loves more.  There's no way around it.  Someone always gets hurt worse.  Sometimes moving on is easy, sometimes it's nearly impossible, but it is never seamless.  There is always hurt.  This poem is a reflection of a perfectly healthy attitude, there comes a time where you can get to this point.  When I wrote this poem I did feel that way but that was then, a guarantee the next day I was angry again.  It's not so easy to let go of someone you love.

Secret

Secret Lyrics

By: Heart

We lead two different lives
Just like two lines that never cross
And here we are together
Standing closer than we are
But we're still standing here untouched
Too scared to make a move
We want so much to touch
And we can't wait forever
We know it's dangerous
For us to be together

How do we ever keep this secret
How do we keep it in the dark
And if we dare to taste our weakness
How could we tear ourselves apart
Why do we keep this love together
Didn't we know right from the start
That we would have to keep this secret
Or forever stay apart

I watch you coming to me
Walking in the pouring rain
I can't help looking at you
Wishing I could stay away
So many times I've tried in vain
To close my eyes and pray it goes away
But I can't stop myself from feeling
To let you go would be too much
For me to take

How do we ever keep this secret
How do we deep it in the dark
And if we dare to taste our weakness
How could we tear ourselves apart
Why do we keep this love together
Didn't we know right from the start
That we would have to keep this secret
Or forever stay apart

I can't help thinking
When I look into your eyes
How much I need you
It's so hard to hide

How do we ever keep this secret
How do we keep it in the dark
And if we dare to taste our weakness
How could we tear ourselves apart
Why do we keep this love together
Didn't we know right from the start
That we would have to keep this secret
Or be doomed to stay apart

There is something so sexy about a secret romance.  There was a time in my life that this song was like my anthem.  I would belt it out and it would make me teary eyed.  It's funny how a song can do that, when I hear it now it fills me with a kind of sadness I can't describe.  Take me back to that time in my life when everything was so complicated.  Yet still it is one of my favourite songs.  Like it was written just for me.  Not a word out of place.  Sometimes a song can seem like gift from heaven that was meant only for your ears. 

As Victor Hugo once said "Music expresses that which can not be said and on which it is impossible to be silent."

If you want to hear Heart - Secret for yourself go here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-JpBjLXVkI&ob=av2e

You're Not Me Anymore

You're not me anymore

You no longer hold the key

Which unlocks the hidden truths

Deep inside of me

I've taken back the power

You no longer hold my heart

And the life that I am living

Is just about to start

You don't own me anymore

I'm not a prize that you have won

I've pushed aside my rainy tears

And now my face is filled with sun

I don't need you anymore

So please just back away

I love you so much more

Than any words could say

But I won't have you anymore

And I don't need the pain

You hurt me time and time again

And left me torn and slain

So that's how  feel

Please excuse me as I close the door

I think it's time to say goodbye

Cause you're not me anymore

Love is a tricky thing.  When you lose yourself completely in someone else its the most amazing feeling but it's also the riskiest thing a person can do.  You give yourself with complete trust and often that trust is betrayed and broken.  I won't tell you to never lose yourself in someone; love does not get to chose this but I will tell you that if your world should fall... You can pick yourself up and take back your power.

Stillborn

Life destroys our lives

Someday everything must die

Bitter mourners cry

But they survive

We're all stillborn in our makers eyes

Whoever he may be

Cause we barely get a chance to breathe

To be

Before time has slipped away

Life destroys everything

What is it really that we breathe

Humanity is misery

But it's over all too soon

We're all stillborn

In our makers eyes

Whatever he may be

Cause we barely get a chance to breathe

To be

Before time has slipped away

Too soon life escapes us

We wake and life erases us

We live only where time places us

We do not live at all

We're all stillborn

In our makers eyes

Whichever he may be

Cause we barely get a chance to breathe

To be

Before time has slipped away



There are worse things than death.  Like not living your life.  Today I am filling out an application for a writing workshop.  I feel so inspired just by the prospect.  Can I do it?  Can I write something the world will read and enjoy?  I don't know; but I can try.  Life is too short to waste it being scared to take chances.

Life

Life, we go through it with blinders on

We see what we want not what is there

We don’t care

But my eyes are opening

I see a world where we spend billions of dollars on national sports

While our children are starving and homeless

I see a world where our technology is so advanced

Our twelve year olds can build bombs

I see a world where drugged up alcoholic entertainers are regarded as heroes

While our police officers are hated

I see a world where love is based on a sexual encounter

And not on how we make each other feel

I see a world where we are judged by our looks

And not instead by our knowledge

I see a world where a murder can gain pity from a jury

While the deformed are mocked and scorned

I see a world where people are stressed about money

While their children are committing crimes

I see a world where we can justify killing of an entire ecosystem

For fence posts

I see a world where we spend more on prisons and detention centres

Than on libraries and churches

I see a world where a child can graduate

Without knowing how to read

Where old cars last longer than new ones

Where prison is better than home

Where trust is but a novel idea

Where we’re better off alone

Now that the blinders are lifting

And I’m seeing the world as it is

I’m terribly scared and I’m frightened

This isn’t a life I can live

I find it disturbing how we as a society have fallen over the last few decades.  There was time where doors were never locked and children could play on the streets but that time is lost to us.  I can't trust that when I send my kid to school that he is safe.  I can't trust that when I go away for a weekend that my stuff will be there when I get back.  Infidelity is as common as breathing these days and so few marriages last.  I am getting married this fall and I would love to be sure that it will last forever but there is always that nagging thing telling me that people don't last anymore.  I hope that by the time my children are grown we have regressed as a society and can go back to being good to each other.  I doubt it.

 Did lovers really fall in love to stay
And stand beside each other come what may?
Was a promise really something people kept
Not just something they would say?
Did families really bow their heads to pray?
Did daddies really never go away?
Oh, Grandpa, tell me 'bout the good old days
- The Judds



New Quote (Gale Harold)

"If I had never met him I would have dreamt him into being" - Anzia Yezierska

Gale Harold.... mmm the most fabulous man to walk the planet.  The first time I saw him I was flipping through the channels one Friday night and I saw him fu$!ing some guy.  I thought "since when do we get gay porn?"  intrigued I kept watching.  The show was Queer As Folk and although it's not gay porn it sure comes close...  But I quickly became hooked on it... I mean come on watching a beautiful man get naked in every episode was a definite plus.  The show is about so much more than Gale Harold's beauty though.  They covered bashing, adoptions, blood donations, terrorists, political rights, homophobia, AIDS and so much more.  I miss the show.  It only lasted 5 season but I have rewatched them so many times I need new disks.  I catch Gale on Secret Circle now but he is not the main character and he never gets naked so it's not the same...   anyway if you want to see a little of his action follow the link!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNUFuoCdGuI

The Burn

In the darkness of my world

You're still my light

The reason that I'm breathing

The truth behind my fight

And in the scheme of all of this

You are my vision

You're what I set my sights upon

Each day that I am living

There are moments

I lost sight of how you mattered

But when those moments fall apart

And leave me shattered

There's a place that I return

Cause inside me still you burn

You're the earth below this ever waving ladder

When the circle ends and all is lost

There's you

And time and time again

It's your strength that pulls me through

I don't have to wonder

How much time is left

Since you've been gone

I've just been living out my death

Without this place that I return

God knows I might as well just burn

But I go on knowing life ain't over yet

I keep fighting so my life has no regrets

Soul mates are funny things... There when you need them most just by happenstance.  I think everyone has a soul mate but that doesn't mean they are the love of your life.  It could be that your sister is your soul mate.  Mine?  My friend Ryan.  We keep in touch not nearly as much as I like there have even been times we'd go a year without talking but somehow I know that he will always be there when I need him, as I would be for him.  I regret to say that I did not write that above poem about Ryan or about my fiance.  I wrote this poem when I was young and didn't understand what it meant to truly be there for someone.  I do now so this one is dedicated to those people in my life that are there for me....  I'll be there for you too :)

Labratory Rat (An inside look)

A trick of light to trick the mind

A play on time

Rewind

Was it really there

Do I even care

Brush it aside

No use

Need to survive

In the nick of time

Forgotten

What was thought

Remember what was not

Replay

Like every other day

Say it again

No tricks in the end my friend

A cloudy mind

Fogged with these tricks of mine

Move on

Wrong

A little less marbles

You marvel

You're making me sweat

Your plan is set

I'm trapped inside your maze

Your knowledge to gain

Whilst I go completely insane

What can I say?  Everyone feels trapped sometimes.... like a rat in a maze.... Trapped in a job you hate, trapped in a relationship you want out of... trapped in your own skin... We all feel like someone is watching us, mocking us at times... like our whole lives are just an experiment gone bad.... or is that just me?  At any rate this poem was written long ago during one of those times...

Anyone

She's one part sinner, one part saint

She's all rolled up in lies and paint

And she can't see she'll self destruct

Time's run out she's out of luck

She's one part passion, one part pain

She's a pretty face with a bad fake name

And who can't see where this will lead

Disillusioned by her dreams and deeds

Yeah

She's a devil in white satin

She hides with blood shot eyes

She likes to play the victim

But she's searching for the crime

And she wonders through the alley's

Looking for the life she seeks

But you can feel her skin is crawling

When she sleeps

Yeah, when she sleeps



Chorus

And this didn't have to be the answer

But degrity took all her pride

She tried to find what mattered

But her demons burnt inside

And will she ever stop to wonder

Who she is or what she's done

Spends all of her days sleeping

And her nights with anyone

Yeah, anyone

They call her a streetwalker

And spit when she walks by

She tries to smile and greet them

But they just avert their eyes

And her family doesn't bother

Trying to find out where she is

They gave up many years ago

They pretend she don't exist

But she exists

Chorus

And this didn't have to be the answer

But degrity took all her pride

She tried to find what mattered

But her demons burnt inside

And will she ever stop to wonder

Who she is or what she's done

Spends all of her days sleeping

And her nights with anyone

Yeah, anyone

Cause she's not anyone

Chorus

And this didn't have to be the answer

But degrity took all her pride

She tried to find what mattered

But her demons burnt inside

And will she ever stop to wonder

Who she is or what she's done

Spends all of her days sleeping

And her nights with anyone

Yeah, anyone

Cause she's not anyone

Okay so song writing time, I love music.... always have... always will.... and I have written quite a few songs... most are ballads... love songs and such but this one is a little different and I love it.  I wish I knew how to play an instrument so I could put some music to some of my songs... If anyone knows someone who's interested let me know.  Anyway it's not everyday I get to write about prostitution so I thought this was a good opener for songs.  I also have one about a runaway that I will share sometime...  

Our Lady Peace

Our Lady Peace

By: Mark Van Doren

How far is it to peace, the piper sighed,
The solitary, sweating as he paused.
Asphalt the noon; the ravens, terrified,
Fled carrion thunder that percussion caused.

The envelope of earth was powder loud;
The taut wings shivered, driven at the sun.
The piper put his pipe away and bowed.
Not here, he said. I hunt the love-cool one,

The dancer with the clipped hair. Where is she?
We shook our heads, parting for him to pass.
Our lady was of no such trim degree,
And none of us had seen her face, alas.

She was the very ridges that we must scale,
Securing the rough top. And how she smiled
Was how our strength would issue. Not to fail
Was having her, gigantic, undefiled,

For homely goddess, big as the world that burned,
Grandmother and taskmistress, frild and town.
We let the stranger go; but when we turned
Our lady lived, fierce in each other's frown.

MMMM...Raine Maida.... Gorgeous and talented.... Our Lady Peace; my all time favourite band derived it's name from the above poem.  The man above has released many albums all of which are sheer poetry of themselves... take for example the lyrics from "Will Someday Change"  a song of their new album that was released just last week:

You say that love is a disease, restless in it's company

Like a river to the sea is where you run

You say that all the birds have flown, the heart, the mind

All of it's own, but there is comfort in the temporary

All that you know, All that you've saved

All that you know, will someday change

Light will lead us all like comets

Spirits travelling free

When I was a teenager I used to live to buy CD's.  My collection was huge and I prided myself on it.  Now with itunes I rarely buy a CD but there are a few artists that I feel obligated to buy.  Matchbox 20, the Backstreet Boys (YES, the backstreet boys!), Michael Jackson and of course Our Lady Peace. 

Will Someday Change

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2evSrga4p2cThe

YOUTH

Youth has slipped away from us

Days wasted away with us

Our bodies try escaping us

But it's over all too soon

And no one ever knew us well

Life never went over well

We realise down the line

We don't get a second chance

I am about to turn 30.... I know 30 is not really old.... But I remember saying when I was a kid that I hoped I died before my 30th birthday... I never wanted to be THAT old...  Now I look in the mirror and I feel like high school was not that long ago.... in fact I don't feel any different... Just more weighted down by responsibility and though I may not be as wild and reckless as I once was...  I still feel that way.... still feel like climbing a water tower at three in the morning... or staying up all night on the phone with a boy I like :)  So now I take back what I said in my ignorant youth... Please no car crashes today and but maybe a bus by the time I'm forty?



Owned

Graceful as a ballerina

Across the fields of prairie grass

Delicate and smooth her skin

Hair blowing gentle in the wind

Hooves thudding against the ground

A slow and steady beat

Patterns of white on brown

Black mane dangling down

More beautiful than man himself

A different kind of wealth

Freedom blowing through her legs

Saddle free again

What life could be more ideal?

And yet a darkness does surround

The locked gates fencing all around

Freedom with a limit

Freedom with a price

All alone she'll run and why

To ignore the chains that hold her tight

She feels free of course

But she is just a human's horse

When I lived in Swan River I did a lot of walking.  There was this farm I used to go past everyday.  There behind gate was a beautiful horse.  There was also 1 goat and one sheep.  Every time I saw this horse I wanted to cry.  What a lonely life!  No other horse to keep it company.... I never saw anyone ride her or even out on the field.  I swore to myself I would never do that to an animal... leave it alone without companionship... Like people animals also get lonely.... what an empty life.

Echos

For a moment when I woke thought you were with me

My dreams had left your breath upon my skin

But even my tears could not console me

When I reached to find the place you'd never been

It's unfair that when I slumber I must see you

When I fought so hard to overcome your reach

But my dreams they have not pity for my heartbreak

And indifference is something you cant teach

All through the waking day the visions haunt me

As I carry on my minds still half asleep

Cause those images the night has put inside me

Are the images my heart most longs to keep

So tonight I'll lay my head upon my pillow

I'll pray to not remember what I see

Cause life's too short to live in echos

Of things I know can never come to be

Weird dreams last night.... car crashes, earth quakes, ex-boyfriends....  What's up with that?  Its not like I had pickles for a bed time snack or anything.... though I think the earthquake was brought on by my hubby starting the dryer when he got up to shower.  Oy vay so tired...  And why do ex's have to come into your dreams... seriously!  As if life isn't complicated enough without remembering someone in vivid detail that you're trying to forget.  Gurg! 

A QUOTE FOR YOU :)

From my rotting body flowers will grow and I am in them; and that is eternity - Edvard Munch


Few of us have gone through life without losing someone we love to death.  There is nothing new to say on the subject and where we go from here is all subjective and hope.  But I do say this; every person leaves something of them selves behind.  A mark on the world.  No matter how small.  For Family and friends I've lost; I remember you and love you still everyday as if you were still with me.  There for you are immortal.



Blinded

The village lights are fading

There is no more light

Standing reckless in the storm

I seem to have lost sight

A leaf falls before me

Glimmering in the dark

The ground is lit where it lands

And now it’s eternally marked

Life’s become a shadow

My souls been torn apart

My mind seems to disagree

But I feel it in my heart

The tender caress of twilight

Is not tender at all

I’ve lost my balance on a cliff

And in darkness I did fall

How do you fight the tears

When they’re shed from deep within

Our hopes are just a shadow

Of what our lives have been

There’s a twisted laughter deep inside

Of the dreams we shed so long ago

Our souls shake with the emptiness

Of what we used to know

And the village lights are fading

There is no more light

Standing reckless in the storm

I seem to have lost sight

Do you ever feel lost?  There are many moments in a person's life that they have time to interpret where they are and how they feel.  These moments of reflection are just that; moments... gone in a second... but sometimes those moments are what define us.  If in that moment we can make decision... choose a different path... forge another fate.  Then those moments have become more.  They are then fundamental blocks in our futures.  Cherish the moments you get cause you never know which one may change you life.